Bedtime problems are pretty common, especially among young children. But are these problems inevitable? No. Cross-cultural research — and clinical studies — indicate that we can quash most troubles by making a few, key changes. What should we do when our children fail to fall asleep at bedtime, or protest that they aren’t sleepy? Or engage in stalling tactics? Or throw a tantrum? For many families, these struggles are a regular feature of daily life. But they don’t have to be. Anthropological research suggests that bedtime problems are heavily influenced by culture. For example, hunter-gatherers have very few sleep complaints, especially when it comes to initiating sleep at night. Yet in more modernized societies, insomnia is quite common, and a sizeable percentage of parents (10-30%) report that their babies and toddlers experience difficulties at bedtime. Why? It isn’t because our children are genetically programmed to stay up late. It’s because something about their lifestyle is preventing them from experiencing powerful feelings of drowsiness at bedtime. If we do a bit of detective work — figure out what that something is — we can solve our children’s bedtime problems. Here I review common triggers of sleep onset troubles and bedtime resistance, and I suggest practical, evidence-based remedies. Understanding your child’s bedtime problems: A troubleshooting guide 1. Does your child suffer from nighttime anxieties or fears? Evidence-based therapies can help. Otherwise well-adjusted young children frequently experience anxiety when they are separated from their parents, and most children — at some point — experience nighttime fears. How should we respond? Some people mistakenly believe that sleep training is the answer. But sleep training programs aren’t designed to address a child’s nighttime anxieties and fears, and there’s no evidence that they are helpful on this score. Indeed, research suggests that ignoring your child’s fears may lead to nightmares and emotional problems. Children lack the brain maturation and cognitive skills to cope well with distressing emotions, so they need our guidance. If you suspect that nighttime fears or separation anxiety are contributing to your child’s bedtime problems, see these Parenting Science tips for teaching kids how to cope. If you think your child might be afraid of the dark, I’ve written this guide on the subject. It outlines the science, helps you understand the condition, and directs you to evidence-based solutions. And if your child is struggling with nightmares, or seems to awaken at night in a strange, frightened state? Check out my article, “Nightmares and night terrors in children: How to identify the problem, and help kids sleep more peacefully.” 2. Has your child learned to expect sleep troubles, delays, or bedtime battles? Learned sleep associations can sabotage your child’s ability to become drowsy. Try these tactics for a “re-set.” You’ve probably experienced this yourself. You try — and fail — to fall asleep. Then you get frustrated or anxious about the consequences. Tomorrow is going to be a disaster if I don’t get enough sleep tonight. Do these thoughts and feelings help you fall asleep? Of course not. They make you feel more alert. And if this keeps happening — night after night — you end up training your brain to respond to bedtime by becoming more uptight, and less drowsy. In effect, you teach yourself to become an insomniac. Similar processes affect our children. They can learn to associate bedtime with bad feelings, and these feelings sabotage their ability to become physiologically drowsy. For some kids, the feelings are the same frustration or anxiety we’ve just mentioned. I’ve got that big test tomorrow. Why can’t I fall asleep? I’m going to be so tired in the morning! But children — even toddlers — experience other feelings, too. For example, some kids might not dread bedtime so much as resent it. They actively resist going to bed when they are told, and they come to expect that bedtime is the signal for family conflict. Other children may learn to expect indulgence and negotiation. They employ their nightly stalling tactics, and their parents give in. So what can you do if your child has learned to associate bedtime with sleep troubles, delays, or bedtime battles? The first step is to stop pushing a bedtime that isn’t currently working. Pressuring a child to sleep is ineffective. Kids fall asleep because they are physiologically drowsy, not because we insist that they snooze. And if we keep insisting, we’re just contributing to the problem — reinforcing those negative sleep associations. The next step is to identify and address any underlying problems that are making it hard for your child to feel drowsy at bedtime. It’s a good bet that learned sleep associations aren’t the only thing standing in the way of a good night’s sleep. In fact, the whole process of learning negative sleep associations is often triggered by another factor. For some kids, that factor might be a mismatched internal clock: Bedtime arrives before they start feeling drowsy. For other children, the problem might stem from getting overly stimulated before bedtime. Or it could be something else — like nighttime fears, or one of the other issues mentioned in this list. If you address the underlying triggers, you’ll have an easier time getting rid of your child’s negative sleep associations Then, when your ready, you can use the technique known as “bedtime fading” to retrain your child to accept the bedtime you prefer. For help, see my Parenting Science article, “Bedtime fading: An evidence-based, step-by-step guide (with examples)”. 3. Is your official bedtime currently mismatched with your child’s internal clock? (Don’t worry! You can fix this.) Research suggests that many parents are sending children to bed too early, long before they are physiologically ready to fall asleep. Their bodies haven’t yet produced enough melatonin, a key hormonal regulator of sleep. As a result, these kids either (1) refuse to stay in bed, or (2) lie awake, alert and restless. And they learn to associate bedtime with all the wrong things — frustration, anxiety, conflict, stalling tactics. What should a parent do? It depends on the individual child. How much sleep does this child actually need? In some cases, parents are simply mistaken about their children’s sleep requirements. They’ve overestimated how much sleep their kids need. It’s not very common, but research suggests that a sizable percentage of parents make this miscalculation. If this is you, you may be able to solve your child’s bedtime problems by setting a later, more appropriate bedtime. In other cases, parents have realistic expectations about their children’s overall sleep requirements. The trouble is that the child’s internal clock is out-of-sync with the parents’ preferred bedtime policy. If that’s your situation, one solution is to be accommodating: Reschedule your child’s bedtime so that it aligns with his or her natural circadian rhythms. But of course this isn’t always possible or desirable. Work and school schedules may get in the way. Is the situation hopeless, then? No. Even if a child has “night owl” tendencies, there are ways to reprogram his or her inner clock. How? First, watch out for poorly-timed naps. As I noted below, late afternoon naps can delay the onset of drowsiness at night. Second, use evidence-based tactics to shift your child’s circadian rhythms. These tactics include exposing your child to bright light in the morning, and preventing your child from encountering bright (artificial) lights after sundown. Read more about them in my article, “How to reset your child’s internal clock for an earlier bedtime.” In addition, consider using a technique called “bedtime fading” in combination with your other efforts. As I explain in my guide to bedtime fading, the technique is specifically designed to help realign your child’s internal clock with the bedtime you prefer. 4. Watch out for napping too close to bedtime. Naps can help us recover from sleep deprivation. They appear to have a powerful and beneficial effect on learning, even among babies. And they may play an important role in physical development: Babies and toddlers tend to increase their naps…